but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
