Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
wrigley field is MILF paradise
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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