I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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