can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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