Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
