There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How does it feel to date your dad?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
