my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
