I wish I could teleport
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
