1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
