Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
