Moan for me like Helen Keller
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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