you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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