Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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