I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize
