I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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