Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
