Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
