So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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