if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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