Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
