who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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