Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize