"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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