You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
farters have to be the big spoon...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
