I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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