I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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