Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
