i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
