i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
