Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
