Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
