god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
