honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I wish I only lived at night.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
