the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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