I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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