The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
