I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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