Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
