I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Randomize
