This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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