I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
