I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
