She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
