Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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