fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
