u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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