shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
