After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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