remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
