I like my sex mixed with concussions.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
