i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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