I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize