i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
