I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
