So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So much rum. So many feels.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
