Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
